December 28, 2010

For Iggy and Carla.

Posted in Uncategorized at 6:27 pm by A Witty Fool

While I was in the UK some time ago, I used to be truly amused by the fact that Americans and the British really are separated by a common language. First time I walked in a restaurant for breakfast, I could NOT for the life of me, figure out what the waitress was talking about when she offered me “Bangers and Mash”. I swear, I thot she was making some kinda fresh lesbian joke. I know; I am NOT a sophisticate.

Anyhoo, it became a running joke between myself and a friend (shout out Iggy!). She tried to explain Bangers and Mash to me, as well as that whole Beans baked in Tomato sauce (ewww!) thing. While I tried to Xplain to her why Americans are so into the whole “Bling-bling” thing and call their boy/girl friends “Boo.” That whole “Pookie” and “June Bug” nick-name thing, totally killed her with laughter and she made me promise to send her cans of Boston Baked Beans, baked in barbeque sauce (or honey sauce for the more discerning palate) which I am sure EVERYONE knows is the ONLY way to bake beans.

So, we (myself, Iggy and our girl Carla- Hi!) were joking around one day, when I promised them that upon returning to the US of A, I would go to the most American of Breakfast joints I could find and order a meal of “Bangers and Mash.” Unfortunately, I have not been able to keep my promise to send them the baked beans, so I was really inspired to at least try to keep this whole breakfast order thing. … Plus, this sounded like so much more fun.  So, the other day, I recruited my younger sister, who is ALWAYS up for some joke and we cruised on over to some small road side bistro around the way.  After the waiter came over, I asked, in my best imitation of an English accent (which is NOT any good at all):

Me: two cups of tea please.

Waiter: Tea? Ai’ght. What’s for breakfast today?

Me: Bangers and Mash?

My sister: and some Kippers as well, if you please,

The look on his face was PRICELESS!!!

Waiter: em…. We don’t serve none of that stuff.

Me:  “you don’t? goodness! What DO Americans have for breakfast then?”

Waiter: “well, we got eggs, scrambled or whatever, sausages, bacon, hash browns, omelet’s, pancakes, waffles, all kinds of cereal and the like.”

My sister: “goodness. All of that, but no Kippers?”

Me: “or bangers and mash for that matter.”

Waiter: (with a look on his face that said we were doing the moonwalk on his VERY LAST NERVE!) “Well, we might have them, do you know what they are called in English?”

Me: but we are speaking in English!

Waiter: “Well, in American then, Bitch!” (okay, so he didn’t SAY Bitch, but he was totally thinking it!! I swear!)  

Sadly, I could go no further, I burst into laughter.

Waiter: Ma bad, ok? It’s just, this is Boston, we stopped all of that Tea mess around the same time as the Revolutionary War, so we drink Coffee not Tea and when we say Football, we mean Tom Brady, not the Spicey girl’s husband.

My sister fell into laughter as well before saying in her most American accent: “ai’ght then dude. Can I get some scrambled eggs, with bacon and hash browns?”

Me:  “ and I’ll have a steak omelet.

Waiter: (eyes us both nastily) “y’all need to take that mess someplace else.”

It was all in good fun, but it was way too early in the morning to be messing with someone who has to spend the day on their feet for minimum wage. He probably sneezed in our food!

 I promised him a bigger tip if he could say that his name was: Pookie, June-Bug or Ray-Ray. Sadly, he couldn’t.

Oh, the things we do for friends!


December 19, 2010

What would YOU do?

Posted in Life as I live it at 12:53 pm by A Witty Fool


On the news just yesterday in Boston, some homeless man found a wallet full of somebody’s cash, probably their Christmas bonus or shopping money. And what does he do? He turns it in to the police who help him find the VERY happy owner.

Same thing happened not too long ago as well. Another homeless man turned in a briefcase full of cash that some careless idiot had dropped and walked away from….THOUSANDS of dollars and I do NOT mean monopoly money and he turned it in to the police who found the owner and returned the cash.

Three words: God BLESS ‘em!

In this season of giving and gross over spending and in an environment where greed is no longer a deadly sin, but a synonym for ambition and drive AND in this very sucky economy, two men who have so LITTLE that they have been reduced to living on the streets, with the entirety of their life’s worth fitting into raggedy push carts, found free money … FREE MONEY(!!!)… and they returned it to the rightful owners.

I am sure, like me, who is so broke I have decided that after 2000 years, Jesus won’t mind if I skip this one Christmas, both of these men probably, have had dreams of winning the lottery, tripping of cash, some how getting money with out having to do much for it (ok, so I am lazy too). I know I have had reams of bumping into a box of cash, left abandoned by some careless fool or … maybe of Bill gates wallet falling on my head while I am walking down an abandoned New York street (no witnesses!) Maybe I am just too crooked for my own good or maybe I need to catch some of that Christmas spirit thing that seems to be going around …….. . . .   .   .   .      . either way, when I heard the news, I was very impressed and touched and I seriously had to take stock of myself (which I hate to do) and of my life. I am broke, but at least I am employed, unlike one of these men who lost his home after he lost his job in the aftermath of the economic burst. I also have a nice warm home to go to everyday, with a roof over my head, good food, paid bills and even enough to be able to buy a book, on sale, once in a while.

……. Yet, what would I have done if I had gotten my hands on a wallet full of money? I like to say that I would return it. In fact, I believe that I would turn it in ( thanX to my dad who did his best to raise his kids right) but my shoes are VASTLY different from both of these men, who have so very much less than I do and for whom the finds would have made this Christmas worth living through and both of whom apparently, did not even have to dwell on it for 24 hours or even ‘pray’ about it, to ask God if this money wasn’t really a gift from Him (shoot, I would have asked… just to be SURE. surely, y’all understand!)

There is a popular phrase: “WWJD: What Would Jesus Do,” but forget about Jesus (for just this one second! Do NOT get to the pearly gates and mention my name oh!) what would you do? What would you have done? How strong is you need? And would it supersede your integrity?

It seems like such a simple story and the newscasters gave it less than a minute of air time, but for some reason, hearing their story filled me … finally… with the Christmas Spirit.

Hears hoping y’all have caught it already too. Merry Christmas!