September 11, 2011

America the Beautiful.

Posted in Life as I live it at 7:35 pm by A Witty Fool

I haven’t blogged in a while, I think because I over think things, and when that happens, everything seems too trivial to bother other people with. Today though, seemed as good a day, or even a muchBETTER day to speak.

It was one of those great days that only seem to come in April and/or Septemer, too cooler for summer and too hot for winter. School had just resumed, but I knew that it was going to be too great a day for class, so, I was going to skip school. I had my plans made. Sleep in late, take a long walk in and around the Boston public gardens, take pictures, have lunch, meet up with friends, see a movie and then have dinner. 10 years later and I still know just exactly, what I was going to do.

I woke up to my sister screaming at me, to wake up, wake up and SEE! I woke up and ran into the living room, just intime to watch the second plane fly into the second tower. 10 years later and I still remember the taste of bitterness in my mouth. I remember wondering if my mouth was bitter because I hadnt brushed my teeth yet, or if it was the bile in my stomach rising up.  It’s so strange, 10 years later that that is what I remember from that morning.

Today, it’s kinda strange to know that the entire world changed while I stood there tasting the biterness in my own mouth. That hated could be so strong, so completely dominating in any heart and over what?  difference in religion, belief? seems ludicrious. Jealousy? seems very American of me to even think it.  10 years later and the obvious answers seem to be almost to simple, too ordinary to have inspired such hate and those actions. Maybe I am just too sane, or too unreligious, too basically human.

This was supposed to be an inspirational blog, about healing, forgiving and moving on. I guess, I am not as well rounded as I had previously assumed. So I will just say: By the end of that day, I finally, for maybe the very first time ever, felt very, VERY PROUD to be an American…

it comes and goes, but today, 10 years later, I felt it again, 10 times as strong. America may have tripped, stumbled and fallen, but we will become what we once were, and maybe even more, because we are NOT anchored down, by the kinda hate that inspired that dreadful day. Martin Luther King would be so proud!

June 11, 2011

Under African Skies

Posted in Life as I live it, Uncategorized at 5:24 pm by A Witty Fool

I am trying to compile a group of essays by and about the African female, on what life is, and what life is about for them. .. US. The only stories out there about African women are mostly written by African males, or by foreigners looking into to our culture and into our lives and telling us what they see and/or what we are.  So why don’t WE, tell OUR stories?

 This is not a collection of short stories, but a collection of our ideas, our ideals, our perspectives, our visions, our beliefs and especially our experiences and how they are all coloured by our identities and cultural conditioning, i.e, how does the world look and feel to you being both AFRICAN and FEMALE.

This is a project that has been dear to me for a while, sadly, I haven’t been getting a great response to the feelers that I have been putting out and even the few responses that I have received so far, have rarely been up to par or along the lines that I had in mind, so I am taking another tact and YOU guys are it.

 Currently tittled: Under African Skies: African women tell their truth about loving, laughing and living. It can be serious minded or tongue firmly in cheek, about any topic from world issues like Obama and Osama to not so grand topics like Hair care. Sex, Motherhood, friendship, travel, relationships, marriage, education, school, etc, no topic is too big, small or insignificant. The only requirement is that, you talk about how your life or view in this aspect of life is coloured by you being African AND female.

I have the ida of breaking the essaying into sections like:

On Love and Marriage (or being Single)

On Politics

On Family (Parenthood, Childhood, Sibling relations). et

Now to the IMPORTANT stuff. MONEY. Sadly, I can make no promises or guarantees regarding monetary compensation, as I will be self-publishing and promoting. However, if any real profit is made, I will endeavor to spread it around as fairly as possible.

Any and ALL submissions, should be sent to: SubmitSkies@yahoo.com and should be accompanied by a short biography about the author, including country of origin and current residence and any other personal information you wish to add.

Submissions will be accepted until the end of December 2011 after which I will get into assembling the final drafts, etc.

If you have any questions, concerns, ideas for promotion, etc, please email me, also at: SubmitSkies@yahoo.com

Or drop me a comment at: www.awittyfool.wordpress.com

January 2, 2011

A look forward, a glance back.

Posted in Life as I live it at 7:37 pm by A Witty Fool

2010. That Bitch of a year if FINALLY over! Bless you Lord! Although for a year that started with the Big Bang that was the Earth Quake in Haiti, it kinda went out on a fizzle. Now do I sound bitter? like I am holding a grudge against this past year of our Lord? Well, lets review, shall we?

The quake in Haiti… okay, so it did not affect me personally, but seriously, considering that they are still recoveing bodies and people are still dying from diseases that resulted from the quake … well, all of humanity, I think can count that one as a strike against them.

Then of course there was this whole incident of some crazy white bitch (yeah, dats what I said!) who accused my brother if raping her, simply because he dumped her scheming ass. SHE cheated on him, got pregnant by the other man and then when he dumped her and their child, my bro was kind enough to help her out financially. She apparently took that to mean that they might be reuniting (and it felt so gooood) He on the other, (thank God!) has a brain in his head and told her: NOT gonna happen! She tried to force his hand by treatening to cry rape. He didn’t bulge. SHe cried Rape and then could not back down, after the police had gotten involved and tried to arrest my bro. Case went to court and everything. Turns out she could not convince even her own parents that my bro, who had been nothing but nice to her and her family EVER of her story and case got thrown out. Now, if you are black and live in America, you KNOW that when a black man is accused of Raping a white girl, then asthey say in Warri : “yawa don gas!” because his ass is going down… well Xcept in the OJ Simpson case, but he was rich and famous. My bro was neither and he still managed to escape her clutches unscathed. … and unlike OJ, his Innocence was NEVER in doubt, not even by her lawyers and parents. just to throw this out there… God IS Good! dont ever let anyone tell you different!

There is also the fact that I was unemployed and broke for what seemed like more than half the year. Believe me, a state of perpetual brokeness is not an ideal place to find oneself. However, again, by the time the ran out its course, I was employed. still broke perharps, but working on it!

Also, my family got a lil’ bit bigger. that’s right, one healthy baby boy bigger …. no, I did NOT have a baby. My sister did. A boy who by all accounts got his fabulous good looks from yours truly…. that’ll be Moi!

hmmm…. now that I look back, 2010 may not have been so bad. I did after all get to meet Jose … and just in time for my birthday too.

I fell in love.  With a tall, handsome, green eyed monster. Monster because he was in love with someone else. Well, actually, I fell in love like five different times, but if you know me, then you know that thats just routine. Still, the heart breaks every time. I think my heart may be in too many pieces to ever fully repare, or maybe it is true what they say, that every time your heart breaks, in its healing, it expands to love even deeper. In that case, I am the most capable Lover ever! … take that anyway you want. 🙂

Goodbye 2010. I gotta say, I did not realize then, just how good you were to me.

So, looking into 2011, what do I see? For one, I have put my brother’s hand on a bible and made him swear off white girls. Now, that is not to say I am being racist. I have no objection whatsoever to fabulously goodlooking white guys. In short, I tend to love them just as much as I do fabulously goodlooking men of any pigmentation…. so if you know any, we should talk. :p

I am also working on the whole weight loss thing. For those of you that do not know, I am super hot. Hotter than Halle Bery in a topless bikini, on a summers day in Jamaica. However, I do have a bit of a weight problem that I have been working on since …… well, since before Halle Beryy was hot. This year, I intend to make great strides in achieveing some sort of goal. This is the only loss I intend to take lying down in 2011. I have joined a gym… yes, but will I actaully go, you ask? I hope so, it cost like 150 a month (and No, I dont mean Rupees)

Sadly, the year has not been off to a good start for me. I got dumped! on New Years day (Jan 1st)! Ain’t that about a low down dirty shame! I know! I am in shock and totally devastated. and this shocking and cruel act was perptrated on me, by none other, but my father. My very own parent! I am appalled! See, he had two ticked to see the Broadway show FELA! A musical about the the life of Nigerian Afrobeat artist Fela Kuti. A show being sponsored by Will and Jada Smith, as well as Jay-Z and his wife. And as this this the last showing on broadway, I had it on good authority that they would all be ther for the closing. I was pumped! had my camera readied and my outfit picked out (I did not intend to be out done by Beyonce!) and what happened? on the night before the Jan 2nd (last) showing, my dad ruthlessly and unceremoniously dumped my black ass in favour of his wife. Like seriously! So, now I am bitter and nursing a grudge. NOTHING (well, eXcept maybe CASH!) will ever heal this wound! I mean, what a way to start off the new year!

as they say in Nigeria, “Kai!”

oh well. Welcome all to the Year of our Lord: Two Thousand and eleven. Now matter what kind of two thousand and ten you had, here’s hoping, eleven is a vast inprovement!

December 19, 2010

What would YOU do?

Posted in Life as I live it at 12:53 pm by A Witty Fool

 

On the news just yesterday in Boston, some homeless man found a wallet full of somebody’s cash, probably their Christmas bonus or shopping money. And what does he do? He turns it in to the police who help him find the VERY happy owner.

Same thing happened not too long ago as well. Another homeless man turned in a briefcase full of cash that some careless idiot had dropped and walked away from….THOUSANDS of dollars and I do NOT mean monopoly money and he turned it in to the police who found the owner and returned the cash.

Three words: God BLESS ‘em!

In this season of giving and gross over spending and in an environment where greed is no longer a deadly sin, but a synonym for ambition and drive AND in this very sucky economy, two men who have so LITTLE that they have been reduced to living on the streets, with the entirety of their life’s worth fitting into raggedy push carts, found free money … FREE MONEY(!!!)… and they returned it to the rightful owners.

I am sure, like me, who is so broke I have decided that after 2000 years, Jesus won’t mind if I skip this one Christmas, both of these men probably, have had dreams of winning the lottery, tripping of cash, some how getting money with out having to do much for it (ok, so I am lazy too). I know I have had reams of bumping into a box of cash, left abandoned by some careless fool or … maybe of Bill gates wallet falling on my head while I am walking down an abandoned New York street (no witnesses!) Maybe I am just too crooked for my own good or maybe I need to catch some of that Christmas spirit thing that seems to be going around …….. . . .   .   .   .      . either way, when I heard the news, I was very impressed and touched and I seriously had to take stock of myself (which I hate to do) and of my life. I am broke, but at least I am employed, unlike one of these men who lost his home after he lost his job in the aftermath of the economic burst. I also have a nice warm home to go to everyday, with a roof over my head, good food, paid bills and even enough to be able to buy a book, on sale, once in a while.

……. Yet, what would I have done if I had gotten my hands on a wallet full of money? I like to say that I would return it. In fact, I believe that I would turn it in ( thanX to my dad who did his best to raise his kids right) but my shoes are VASTLY different from both of these men, who have so very much less than I do and for whom the finds would have made this Christmas worth living through and both of whom apparently, did not even have to dwell on it for 24 hours or even ‘pray’ about it, to ask God if this money wasn’t really a gift from Him (shoot, I would have asked… just to be SURE. surely, y’all understand!)

There is a popular phrase: “WWJD: What Would Jesus Do,” but forget about Jesus (for just this one second! Do NOT get to the pearly gates and mention my name oh!) what would you do? What would you have done? How strong is you need? And would it supersede your integrity?

It seems like such a simple story and the newscasters gave it less than a minute of air time, but for some reason, hearing their story filled me … finally… with the Christmas Spirit.

Hears hoping y’all have caught it already too. Merry Christmas!

November 16, 2010

Free Flying

Posted in Life as I live it at 12:47 pm by A Witty Fool

I got off work early on wednesday. Thursday was a holiday (Shout out to ALL the Veterans out there!) and I did myself the small favour of making it an eXtra long weekend, by taking Friday off as well.

Why?  you ask?

well, becuz I was super tired of the Rat race and felt like having some time off, plus, I had earned a few days off work and the eay I was feeling, I needed to take it… in addition to the federal holiday AND the weekend of course. Mostly, though, it was becuz my sister made me an offer, I could not refuse:

A FREE ticket to Vegas. LAS Vegas, that is. America’s play ground, baby!

…… and like most people, at the sound of the word “free”, I forgot the most cardinal of all rules concerning free stuff: “Nothing ever is.” or as they say in Nigeria: “Awoof dey run belle.”

Anyways, I left work early on wednessday, after announcing to ALL and Sundry (‘Sundry’ being EVERY one who would pay me any mind … between my workplace and the airport) that  I was off to Vegas. Las Vegas Bitches! Got to the airport so early that the airline check-in ticket counter was still closed, waited in line for almost an hour to be stripped searched and semi-sexually harrassed … in the name of security … and off to the gate I went.

Waited to be checked in … and got checked in. Waited to be boarded (on to the plane) … and got boarded (on to the plane). Waited for the plane to take off … and waited for the plane to take off…. and waited for the plane to take off …. and … got kicked off the plane!

Why? you ask?

Well, lets go back tot the FREE TICKET part of the story. Why was it a free ticket? becuz my sister works for an airline and so when a flight has seats that are unsold, she and a guest can use those seats ….. so we did. …. or tried to. Until some crazy bastards, decided that THEY too wanted to have an eXtra long weeked, showed up at the airport and at the last possible minute, bought those seats … literarily… out from under us. AND can you believe that the airlines actually gave priority to the passengers that actually PAID for their tickets? I KNOW! I am STILL in shock over that. I have paid for tickets before and I have never been given any kind of priority with an airline before.

Now, there was this Passenger service person at that airline: Carmen Bitch.and.a.half (Now, I would not take it to a bank, or a court or anything, but I swear, this is totally her real last name!) who was supposed to be helpful in assisting us to re-book on the next avaliable flight. She did.. NOT. In her little blue jetting uniform, she was super smug and took way too much enjoyment, in the LITTLE TINY POWER that she had to screw us over. Apparently, in the course of their jobs, she and my sister had had occassion to cross paths and she had come out on the bottom and now? NOW she intended to use her tiny little power on us. Three flights later… count ’em, one, two, THREE, flight later, I resigned myself to the fact that Carmen McBitchy, was going to ruin my perfect long weekend. So, I had to pack up my stuff and head on back home., pissed off and planning all the MANY ways I could take Carmen out!

when at 4am. 4AM! my phone rang. it was my sister. turnes out she had made very many plans for this weekend and No McBitchy was going to stand in her way. So, off i went to the airport… AGAIN! Checked in, stripped and was harrassed. (oh, did I mention that my body lotion  and $95 parfum was confisticated and destroyed? TSA owes me cash!) and then boarded another plane …. to New York. Yeah, I said New York, but the story started in Las Vegas you say? well, it ended there as well, with stopovers in New York and Burbank California. Plus, I got to meet and deat a few rows over from Alec Baldwin and the flight from NY to CA. Sure, it would have been better if it had been a real celebrity, (think: Young and Handsome, like say: Jensen Ackles, or Blair Underwood or Shemar Moore), but I guess thats what you get for a FREE Ticket.

October 25, 2010

Rediscovery

Posted in Life as I live it at 7:06 pm by A Witty Fool

A couple of months ago, mid-summer, when the days were still long and the nights, short, I woke up super early and went out for a walk. I think I may have gone to bed a bit early the previous night, but whatever it was, by 5am, I was all slept out. So I woke up, got out of bed and with over an hour left before my day could officially begin, I put on some decent clothes and went out for a stroll along the beach.

                It was a beautiful day. The Sun had also just awoken and so after walking for about 30 minutes, I sat down on the sand, stretched out my feet and watched as it t\(the Sun) slowly and gently, but with confidence poured itself into the horizon and begin to make its way up and across the sky. As I sat and watched, the silence enveloped me and the only thing that penetrated that silence, was the sound that ocean made, as beat against the shore in a seeming reluctance to concede its inevitable border. I sat there as the Sun quickly made its way into the sky, turning everything from a dark dusk, to a misty Silver, then a pale blue, finally giving in to a rush of oranges, and reds, yellows, blues and whites. I sat there marveling until reality began to intrude, bringing with it the sounds of a waking day: car horns blaring, music pumping, lights coming on in the buildings across the street. My footsteps where no longer the only ones in the sand, as other walkers and runners began to thread their own paths and with a perhaps sad sign, I stood back up and found my way back home, eager to begin my day.

I had never woken up so early before and I always thot that I hated it, or would hate it if I ever had to. But after that, I woke up very early, as many times as I could, walked out to the beach, sat down in the sand and for 30 minutes a day, the ocean, the air, the silence, the breeze, the Sun, the silence and the beauty, were ALL mine! I discovered something about myself that day, I enjoy waking up early. (who knew!?!)

                Same thing a few weekends ago; I was bored and so when I received one of those spam emails with a recipe in it, I decided… “Hey I am bored, might as well try it.” So I went grocery shopping and as I chopped, diced, stirred and sautéed, I suddenly realized that I was enjoying myself.  I really was! I had always thot that I hated cooking, could not be bothered to do it, but for the past few weekend since, I have tried a few other recipes (my baked ziti and lemon chicken… totally killed!) and my Egusi soup was so freaking good (if I do say so myself!) Nowadays, I catch myself browsing the internet, searching for recipes to try, or ingredients to substitute for others, etc.

                Apparently, I am on a journey of re-discovery, rethinking my likes and dislikes. I like to wake up early, even now that it’s a bit cold. I wake up, bundle myself up and head out to wait for the Sun. I cook and apparently, I have a great instinct for it… (my Salmon with Pepita-butter sauce is still being talked about.) and I love to swim and even though I am no Michael Phelps (yet). A few months ago, I would have said that the only thing I really loved to do was read, but now I am down to reading just one book a week, because my time is now spent cooking, swimming and waiting for the Sun. What’s funny is now that I have started up again, I remember that I used to love to cook. I remember sitting on a small wooden stool, watching my grandmother prepare Banga soup with periwinkle … funny the things we remember. I don’t know what happened, maybe I just got too spoiled.

Now, I feel like I am re-discovering the person that I was, before I became the person that I am. It promises to be an interesting journey.

September 27, 2010

Highly Recommended!

Posted in Life as I live it at 8:09 pm by A Witty Fool

So, I played Hooky today. .. did NOT go in to work. .. yep.. took the day off. well, its not like I have become irresponsible in my old age  ( YES, I have been responsible, up until now… is somebody saying otherwise?… my dad doesnt count!). I woke up with a migraine, so I called out sick, took some medicine and hit the sack. When I woke up later this morning (well, about Noon, really) I felt much better so, I ca’perd the diem.

First, I went shopping. Window shopping dat it…. I am currently financially challenged, which made actual shopping a diificulty, but I strolled the mall, oogled, tasted, tried on and felt up all kinds of stuff.

then off I went to the gym… No, NOT to exercise, to swim. Yes, I said to swim. AFter a couple of decades and odd years on planet earth, I can finally swim…. and when I say Swim, I mean… keep my head above water as my body flays about gracelessly underneath the surface, but at least I float.. as opposed to sinking like a rock, which is what I used to do. All this after two months of swim lessons.  

after swimming a couple of hours, I went to the movies, walked home, relaxed as I finally finished a book I started a while ago and remembered that I havent blogged in a long long time…. so here I am blogging again.

all round, it was a nice day… even though I am nowa few bucks broker than I was yesterday

So to catch y’all up on the happenings this summer:

My sister had a baby, so now I am an aunt.

Took a FABUlous road trip to Washington DC and Baltimore.

… and ran into yet ANOTHER short guy, named……….   that’s right y’all….. Jose!! … to keep a long story short (pun intended) …  this Jose pretty much guaranteed me some mind-blowing oral sex, if I allowed him to “wet his dick.”.. and dat is a direct quote. … I am begining to suspect that some one (U know who YOU are!) is yanking my chain on this Jos’e thing.

so how y’all been?!

July 15, 2010

Randomness..

Posted in Life as I live it, Uncategorized at 7:16 pm by A Witty Fool

I have been one (offline) for quite a while. This is due to the fact that my personal laptop is on the fritz and my internet connection is shoddy. however, it is mostly due to the fact that I totally forgot that I had a blog. FORGOT! Makes it sound like I have better things to do, don’t it? Sadly, ‘sounds’ can be decieving. Just some randomness here and there. nothing eXciting.

On Me Vs. Nature:  I went for a walk and soak up a little bit of Sun, just becauz…… well that is whot I do ( after Jose, I should know better, but I dont) and as I stroll, i love to yank on tree branched over head or kick stones and sticks on the ground, you know to break up the monotony of just walking. Anyways, not too long ago, I am walking along, when I see a little piece of stick lying in my way. It was a short stick, only about two feet or so. It was so pretty, smooth and looked like it had just fallen off a tree… green, with patches of brown on it. I like it, so I tried to pick it up. I say ‘tried’ because as I bent down to pick it up, I blocked out it’s Sun, so the ‘stick’ wiggled and moved, trying to gettin to another spot where it could be back in the sun. Turns out, my ‘stick’ was actually a ‘snake‘, sunning itself. Men, oh Men! I jumped, screamed and ran!!!  The snake paid me no mind, simply rolled on to another side and kept on soaking up it’s sun.

SCORE: Nature 1, Moi 0.

On Me Vs. Love:    I recently fell in love again. (yes, for the seventh time this year) with this totallyhot guy at my job. Tall, not so dark, green eyes,  and a dimple on the left check (face check, dont know about his butt checks… yet. hehehehe) So very cute and a bit of a dork. PROBLEM: He is in love (or like) with a cheerleader type girl who works with us. She of course, is Ms. Popular and would not go out with a dork type no matter how cute, so she is aiming for a hook up with Macho Macho Man.. a super arrogant, every girl wants me type of guy, who of course used to be a football player. He is so used to ‘every girl’ wanting him, that he only sets his cap and energy toward the one (or two) girls who do NOT seem to and right now, that seems to be me.

So to recap, the new girl wants the dork, the dork wants the cheerleader, the cheerleader wants the footballer and the footballer wants the fresh meat…. em, I mean… new girl.  Geesh!  We never really get out of high school do we?!

SCORE: Love 1, Me 0.

On Me Vs. Weight Loss:  Four words: Jenny Craig must die! I decided to go on a diet w hile back. I joined a gym, started dieting, walked EVERYWHERE and gave up chocolate. GAVE UP CHOCOLATE! I haven’t eaten chocolate in months. MONTHS!  and with no sexual napalm to numb the pain. months and months of exercise, dieting and NO CHOCOLATE! and I just weighed myself, preparing to celebrate my grand weight loss achievement…. I gained 3 pounds…. gained… GAINED!!

pshiee! So I went out and got me some German double fudge chocolate, chocolate cake…. It was a great day.

SCORE: Weight 3, Me 0.

Like I said, nothing Bloggable happening right now.

June 8, 2010

A NOT so Birthday Story

Posted in Life as I live it at 11:10 pm by A Witty Fool

Picture this. .. trust me, having a visual helps.

Sunday night. It had been hot and humid on Sunday, as only a summer day in Boston can be, until about 4pm when a thunder storm blew by, dumping gallons of water and cooling the air. I love it when it rains, during and after, especially when it storms. I like to dance and jump around, in the rain, soaking up the water, the wind, the sounds and the energy, but now (after a small case of mistaken identity, that resulted in whispers of “ogbanje” ,”abiku”, mami-water, evil spirit, etc, behind my back) I mostly, just stick to talking long walks and soaking up the cool breeze in the aftermath of a storm.

And it came to pass (believe me, this is a tale of biblical proportions… almost) that on this particular night (this past Sunday) I decided to go for a walk after the storm, also after midnight. So I am trolling and listening to music, day dreaming about: a// the return of a brand new Supernatural season (is Sammy or isn’t Sammy, that is the question?!)  b// this totally hot guy at my new job (dude, he IS hot!) c// winning the lottery and other various day dreams that I get occasionally, when I heard a voice speak to me from deep in the dark, dark night.

And it said unto me:

“hey yo, Mami. Pe ra qui” (Spanish. Don’t ask me questions!)

I look around, but see nothing and no one, so I continue my on jaunt, when the voice spoke again:

“hey Mami, wot? You no like Spanish mens?” YES, he said “mens” and NO! English as a second language is NOT an excuse!

So I look around again and on an instinct, (the self same instinct that makes a rabbit disappear into it hole just when hunter-man reaches for his riffle.) I look down. Yep, I literary, had to look down, just to get a glimpse of the ‘top’ of his head, and there he was, Shorty Mac Short Short.

About Shorty: I’ve been seeing him around for some time. He hangs out with friends at a spot near my house and he has been eyeing me for a while. Yes, I am hotter than Halle Berry in a bikini, on a Jamaican summer day, but even I have to concede that the MAIN attraction that Mac Short Short and the other members of what I now fondly refer to as the Leprechaun crew (short men that hit on me) feel, is in the conquering of a tall chick. I do not need my one class in general psychology to understand that for a man who is insecure about his height (or lack thereof) sleeping with a tall girl pretty much amounts to a conquering if you will. Like she may be taller than me, but I fked her, put her in her place…the bedroom… and if they can get you to cook for them afterwards???!!!! Men have fragile egos and the egos attached to a short and insecure man is EVEN MORE so! They consider it a grave insult for a girl to be taller than they are and the “macho” in them will not be appeased until they have put you (said tall girl) in your place by sleeping with you or getting you to cook for them (the sex one is the better option, of course). This is why short men, tend to be more chauvinistic than their taller counterparts. .. it is a height ‘envy’ thing… just ask Bonaparte.

Disclaimer: Note.. this does NOT apply to ALL short men, just 99.9% of them and almost ALL of the ones with whom I have come in contact. Also, have a theory on short girls, but I will not expound on it here because it serves no purpose and also because I have reason to fear for my life if I dare. ..

but I digress……

So anyways, I say Hi to Mac Shorts and keep walking, but he grabs my hand and says:

“hold on chicka, whats your name?”

“Alex” I reply. (Once when a guy was hounding me, I became rude and told him off. As I walked away, he tried to embarrass me by calling out: “bitch! U aint even that cute! You probably a man, with your tall ass!” so I deepened my voice, turned around and replied: “Yeh dawg, I’m Alex. What?! like you ain’t know.” The look on his face, was PRICELESS!!!!! And since then, Alex has been my go to name when a guy is being a pest.)

Anyways, Spanish guy did not blink, merely replies: “Alex, si? That s a pretty name for you mami. My name is Jose.” (insert obvious joke about yet another Spanish guy named Jose here)

 Me: em.. nice to meet you Jose, goodnight.

Jose: Alex, damn, wait one second. Can I get your number?

Me: No

Jose: why not?

Me: cuz, I got a boyfriend (yes, I am still single, so I lied… sue me!)

Jose: he ain’t got to know nothing

Me: I know, but I don’t want to.

Jose: what? You no like Spanish gys?

Me: goodnight

Jose: oh ok. But before you go, can I get a kiss?

Me: ignoring the idiot, I keep on walking.

Jose: come on Alex. I see you around all the time. I been liking you. One kiss? Un beso, por favor, hun?”

I keep on walking……. allow me to make one more detour and point out that ALL this time, I had been walking on the road, while he was walking right along on the pavement, which had been raised about 4 or 5 inches off the road, so he had a 4/5 inch advantage on me, and I STILL had to look down to see the top of his head. Home boy did not even come up to my chest area! Even if I was inclined to kiss him, what was I gonna do? squat?!

 …… anyways, I ignore him and keep on walking.

Jose: men, come on! He actually snapped at me! As I turned to (not so politely) tell him what to do with his kiss, my question (about how eXactly the kiss was even gonna happen) was answered. He jumped, throwing one of his arms around my neck while the other hand grabbed my face, trying to hold it in place for his kiss. SERIOUSLY!

This is where the visual helps. ….. I screamed and started trying to run off, eXcept Jose was hanging on to my neck. Now, I was no long standing next to the pavement, I was running down the road and because Jose no longer had that little boost that the pavement gave him, his legs where dangling in the air, as he hung on (tightly) to my neck! I am paralyzed by fear and shock at first, until I realized that the little bastard was trying to wrap his legs around my waist. I shoved him away from me, he swung up and into the air, out to the left, and then back down and to the right. Swinging like a pendulum, STILL attached to my neck. But then I got an idea, so I shoved him again, just as hard as I could and as he swung hard into the air again, I squatted! and his hand slipped off from around my neck. He must be athletic, because he landed on his feet, but before he could gain his equilibrium and turn around to find me, I kicked him right on the tush. He fell over and I ran off, after getting in another kick.

 I got home, shaking and after a LONG, hot shower, I fell into bed and allowed myself to melt into tears, eXcept I realized, I wasn’t crying, I was laughing. Laughing! Laughing, because this is just the type of bullshit, that only ever, EVER happens to ME!

And I promise y’all, THIS is a true story!

Happy Freaking Birthday to ME!

May 18, 2010

Youth Envy

Posted in Life as I live it at 10:02 pm by A Witty Fool

Was on the train earlier, sat down next to a small group ( 3 deep) of girls, teenagers, maybe about 14 or 15 year olds. One of the girls was crying. Apparently, she had just been dumped and was completely broken hearted, wailing and lamenting.

“I cant believe he dumped me. I didn’t even do anything! And he didn’t even say why. Oh my God! This is some embarrassing? I love him so much? Why would he break up with me?”

One of her friends tried to console her.

“Its okay Trisha*. He is a jerk and he wasn’t even that cute anyways.”

That didn’t help. Trisha kept on tearing up. “ He is too. He is soo cute! Oh my God, why did he break up with me? Did he say anything to you? I love him so much. What am I gonna do? What if he never speaks to me again? What if I never get another boyfriend like ever again?”

The  other (seemingly more jaded) friend chimed in: “oh, Trisha, you so will! You are so pretty and you are cool too. You so will get another boyfriend.”

Trisha was not consoled: “ but I don’t want another boyfriend. I want Tony*. I love Tony, I could never love anybody else, like EVER!”

I couldn’t help it. I smiled. Now, I am sorry that the girl was broken hearted, but mostly, I felt amusement and something else that I later identified as … envy. I was (SLIGHTLY!) envious of the 15 year old who just got dumped by her first love!!

Now I am not some old woman (see image)  sitting back and watching jealously as the young live life. I realized that what I felt envious of, was the depth and the intensity of that young girl’s emotions, even the sympathy of her friends carried an air of intensity. I can’t not remember the last time, I felt so hurt, so heartbroken, about anything.  I was envious of them because they were feeling their emotions, in that deeply intense way that only the really young ever really do.

I would NOT for all the Tea in China (plus half the Tea in Great Britain as well) want to relive my teenage years. They were great and great fun, however, we grow out of them for a reason. That being said, I do miss some aspects of youth.

For instance, I miss the intensity with which you feel EVERY single thing.  Granted, THIS is more than half of what makes youth so painful, but, it is also the main reason, our teenaged years are the most memorable of our lives. All our senses are super-hyped and our emotions are on overdrive. Every high is high, high, high and every low seems to reach to the very depths of our souls. As a youngster (oh my God, I just said “youngster”!) every love is TRUE and all friendships are FOR LIFE.  Your dreams are so real, so vivid, so close and in such vibrant colors that you do not for a second doubt that all you have to do is reach out forward and grab them. You see your life just the way you want it to be and NOTHING in the world could ever shake your conviction that the life you see for yourself is the eXact one that you are going to get.

I also miss the innocence and the naivety of youth. You know that feeling, where everything is new, interesting, fun, funny, good and true. Sure it leaves you vulnerable, but it also leaves you unencumbered with the restraints that cynicism can place on you. You love, trust and feel with a genuine realness.  As an adult though, trust is shakable, sometimes, very easily so and truth is relative, but in youth, trust is absolute and truth is unwavering. I guess I envied that girl the absolute conviction she had in her love and the eternity of it. I mean, sometimes, I don’t even know if I would recognize love if it walked up and bitch slapped me.

And Faith. Boy do you have faith! In God, in yourself, in your family, in your friends, life, everything! I remember my youngest sister at about six years old, waiting on the front porch. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was waiting for her “doggie”.  Apparently, she had prayed to God to get her a dog and she was waiting for it to show up. … she got the dog, but that is a story for another blog.

Anyways, I got off the train, but not without looking back to the crying girl for one last time. She had made me fall back into the concentrated joys and highs and the extreme lows of first love, and the powerful and seeming eternal bonds of friendships, the way everything had seemed so powerful and HUGE and great and destined. I guess I she just made me miss the intensity of my passions from that time when reality and life had not yet gotten in the way.  I envied her that and I kinda wish I could have told her so. 

This may be what they mean when they say youth is wasted on the young.

* names changed to protect my ass.

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