December 28, 2010
For Iggy and Carla.
While I was in the UK some time ago, I used to be truly amused by the fact that Americans and the British really are separated by a common language. First time I walked in a restaurant for breakfast, I could NOT for the life of me, figure out what the waitress was talking about when she offered me “Bangers and Mash”. I swear, I thot she was making some kinda fresh lesbian joke. I know; I am NOT a sophisticate.
Anyhoo, it became a running joke between myself and a friend (shout out Iggy!). She tried to explain Bangers and Mash to me, as well as that whole Beans baked in Tomato sauce (ewww!) thing. While I tried to Xplain to her why Americans are so into the whole “Bling-bling” thing and call their boy/girl friends “Boo.” That whole “Pookie” and “June Bug” nick-name thing, totally killed her with laughter and she made me promise to send her cans of Boston Baked Beans, baked in barbeque sauce (or honey sauce for the more discerning palate) which I am sure EVERYONE knows is the ONLY way to bake beans.
So, we (myself, Iggy and our girl Carla- Hi!) were joking around one day, when I promised them that upon returning to the US of A, I would go to the most American of Breakfast joints I could find and order a meal of “Bangers and Mash.” Unfortunately, I have not been able to keep my promise to send them the baked beans, so I was really inspired to at least try to keep this whole breakfast order thing. … Plus, this sounded like so much more fun. So, the other day, I recruited my younger sister, who is ALWAYS up for some joke and we cruised on over to some small road side bistro around the way. After the waiter came over, I asked, in my best imitation of an English accent (which is NOT any good at all):
Me: two cups of tea please.
Waiter: Tea? Ai’ght. What’s for breakfast today?
Me: Bangers and Mash?
My sister: and some Kippers as well, if you please,
The look on his face was PRICELESS!!!
Waiter: em…. We don’t serve none of that stuff.
Me: “you don’t? goodness! What DO Americans have for breakfast then?”
Waiter: “well, we got eggs, scrambled or whatever, sausages, bacon, hash browns, omelet’s, pancakes, waffles, all kinds of cereal and the like.”
My sister: “goodness. All of that, but no Kippers?”
Me: “or bangers and mash for that matter.”
Waiter: (with a look on his face that said we were doing the moonwalk on his VERY LAST NERVE!) “Well, we might have them, do you know what they are called in English?”
Me: but we are speaking in English!
Waiter: “Well, in American then, Bitch!” (okay, so he didn’t SAY Bitch, but he was totally thinking it!! I swear!)
Sadly, I could go no further, I burst into laughter.
Waiter: Ma bad, ok? It’s just, this is Boston, we stopped all of that Tea mess around the same time as the Revolutionary War, so we drink Coffee not Tea and when we say Football, we mean Tom Brady, not the Spicey girl’s husband.
My sister fell into laughter as well before saying in her most American accent: “ai’ght then dude. Can I get some scrambled eggs, with bacon and hash browns?”
Me: “ and I’ll have a steak omelet.
Waiter: (eyes us both nastily) “y’all need to take that mess someplace else.”
It was all in good fun, but it was way too early in the morning to be messing with someone who has to spend the day on their feet for minimum wage. He probably sneezed in our food!
I promised him a bigger tip if he could say that his name was: Pookie, June-Bug or Ray-Ray. Sadly, he couldn’t.
Oh, the things we do for friends!